The Telegraph: Restless Leg Syndrome

I wrote this speech a few years ago and performed it at a Toastmasters state contest. I think it sums up everything that's wrong with drug company advertising.

I’m a hypochondriac.

I’ve known this ever since I came across a “Physician's Desk Reference” and was able to convince myself that I suffered with every ailment contained therein – with the exception of bubonic plague and pregnancy. I am, perhaps, lucky that I am free from these two disorders, because I understand that bubonic plague can be quite unpleasant, and pregnancy - according to my mother - eventually causes insanity.

So, knowing this you can imagine how I felt as I watched television one night, and saw a man in a long white lab coat, wearing a stethoscope around his neck, warning me about the dangers of R.L.S. or “Restless Leg Syndrome.” As I listened to him I became certain that I was afflicted.

It’s true! As I recline in bed at night, waiting for the peace of sleep to envelop me, I often have the desire to move my legs around. This, I learned, is one of the primary symptoms of this insidious problem. Until I had the good fortune to encounter this television expert, I thought it was just “getting comfortable,” but apparently it’s much more serious than that.

Luckily, a solution exists. What I needed to do was “Ask my doctor about for some of the advertised medication.”

Now, as crazy as this sounds, I was actually prepared to visit my doctor – a man with about 25 years experience diagnosing various medical ailments – and tell him that based on a 30 second T.V. commercial I needed a prescription for this wonder drug.

But then I began to look at the side effects. And I quote…
“If you experience increased urges for drinking, gambling and sexual activity see your doctor.”

Drinking gambling and sex? Who invented this stuff? Dr Jekyll?
You know, If I experience symptoms like these, I might see a doctor, but I would be much more likely to head for the nearest night club – preferably one with poker tables and 2 for one drinks specials.

But is this really my only choice? Either live with restless legs, or adopt the lifestyle of a rock star – but without the musical ability, the money, or the fame.

I'm sure this is a modern problem. If I lived in a less technologically advanced society and went over to my local medicine man's mud hut, and said, “Hey doc, I think I have restless legs.”
After he stopped laughing he might suggest that I chew the bark of the bungus bane bush or shove some bees wax up my nose, but in any event, I’m pretty sure his remedy would not conclude with, “...Side effects may include Dizziness, Nausea, Vomiting, Stomach cramps, and Diarrhea...”

Side effects seam to be a by product of modern pharmacology, and I don’t like them.

So I met with some friends, and over dinner asked their opinion about what I should do. Imagine my surprise to discover that six of the seven were also tormented with this debilitating condition. That evening I watched my cat – an animal well known for its ability to easily fall asleep – and it’s tiny paws were twitching. I must therefor conclude that Tiddles is also infected with this devastating malady!
In fact I bet there are even some fellow sufferers reading this today.

So let me help you, because I’ve done the research.

RLS, or Wittmaack-Ekbom's syndrome is also known as:

Jumpy Legs, Jiggly Legs, Jimmy Jams,

Heebeejeebees, spare legs, kickylegs, stretchy legs,

and my personal favorite, sewing machine foot.

Do you get the idea that this variety of names, perhaps, shows the depth of scientific understanding regarding this condition.

Even the drug company's own website says that the symptoms may be “hard to describe.” Now, while this may be very convenient for a drug manufacture, it is a living nightmare for a hypochondriac like me.

Of course, what the website doesn’t find “hard to describe,” are even more side effects. In addition to the impulse control disorders, it seems that hallucinations may even occur. I think this could be very inconvenient, especially if you are an air traffic controller or a school bus driver, or what if your at the gambling table and you risk your life savings on those five red queens.

Another side effect that gives me pause - “may cause you to fall asleep without any warning.” So given a choice of an minor manifestation of the jimmy jams, or slipping into unconsciousness in the fast lane of the turnpike, I think I will choose the option that leaves me alive.

Of course if you thoroughly research this subject you will find that if you drink less coffee, and get more exercise your legs will be just fine. This is the advice I followed and I am proud to say that at the time of this writing I have been heeby jeebee free for 2 years 3 months and 12 days.

I learn three important things from this experience.
One. Just because someone has a white coat and a stethoscope doesn’t mean they know what they are talking about.

Two. You don’t need a pill for everything.
And three, When you turn your TV on you don’t have to turn your common sense off.